I Cut Myself
by Tara-Sarra
Summary: When Shuuichi returns from his tour with Nittle Grasper, he returns home to find Yuki broken. Can Shuuichi help Yuki overcome what's hurting him inside, or will it completely engulf him?
1. Chapter 1

"We're over, Shuuichi." Yuki said, picking up his black trench coat and throwing it over one shoulder.

Heading towards the door, he looked down to see a bawling Shuuichi, whose eyeliner was running down in duo praying streaks.

Shuuichi woke with a start, as Hiro shook him awake. He was in one of the seats of their tour bus, heading home, luggage tied up in the back all together.

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Shuuichi closed his eyes to clear his mind, as Hiro looked over at him, from the seat directly before Shuuichi.

"Bad dream again, huh?"

Shuuichi nodded dimly, opening his eyes.

Reaching over from Shuuichi's left, Ryuuichi embraced his idol in a warm hug. "Wanna talk about it?" he murmured into Shuuichi's ear, just soft enough so Tohma and Noriko could not hear him from the seats behind them. "I can make it all sparkle…"

Of course Shuuichi couldn't expect Ryuuichi of all people to be mature at a time like this, as he held up a pink stuffed rabbit in Shuuichi's face.

Shaking his head no, Shuichi tried to turn away from the offending fluff, however, Ryuuichi pulled the stuffed animal back into position and placed it in front of Shuuichi and in a very Kumagoro-like voice he said, "What's wrong Shuuichi-sama? Is it Yuki again?"

Looking out the window, Shuuichi decided to ignore the stuffed animal that was currently "talking" to him, as he watched people pass by as they walked in the streets as they whizzed by, passing them, watching them, yet not truly seeing anything at all but a dark haze, foreboding and discomfortingly pressing down on the shoulders of the earth.

The van retched against the asphalt as it halted, the passengers slipping forward slightly as the momentum reeled them in their seats before the seatbelts caught, pushing them back into the chairs.

Hiro unbuckled his belt, grabbing the bag beside him as he slid the door open, jumping out. "Our stop Shuuichi. Come on."

He headed to the back of the trailer, unlocking it to remove his and the redheads bags, as he tossed his onto the sidewalk. Handing it to the singer, he glanced down, and gave him a small smile. He'd been in almost a daze the entire trip, weaving in and out of nightmares brought on by lonesome nights and dreary days apart from his one and only. "See you tomorrow, Shuu-kun?"

He nodded before going up the steps and into the building that held his and Yuki's apartment, he headed upstairs with his suitcase in hand and a bag of souvenirs at his side.

Walking in, after he had just come back from their tour, he found Yuki Eiri, his lover, sitting on the couch in front of the blinking blue screen of the TV. He sat in the darkness, as he switched through the channels, searching for the right channel to fit his mood, never staying on one channel too long before changing it, just enough to get the feel of what the storyline was about.

"Yuki?" Shuuichi had called, pulling his rolling suitcase over the thresh hold of the door.

He knew from all of the beer bottles that Yuki was either drunk or had not moved from inside the house in days.

A bright red, yellow-gold light flashed brightly before diminishing; as Yuki inhaled a deep breathe from a lit cigarette.

Looking up, he looked at Shuuichi who still stood next to his suitcase, as he wheeled it into the room.

Then he noticed Yuki was holding his blue blanket and had it wrapped around him, as he leaned deeply into the couch. Leaning the suitcase back on the non-sliding pegs on the base, he slipped on a pair of house slippers and quietly headed towards the couch where his lover sat gazing at the flashing screen.

Kneeling down before Yuki, Shuuichi took his large hand within his two small ones, bringing it to his lips and kissing the fingers lightly.

Quickly, Yuki jumped, looking immediately down at the pink haired boy kneeling before him.

Since when had Shuuichi gotten home? He had not seen him until he was practically right on top of him.

"Yuki?" the singer asked, softly, gazing up at him.

"Hmm?" Yuki murmured, leaning his head back and resting his eyes.

"May I…?" Shuuichi asked timidly, directing his hand towards the spot beside Yuki on the couch.

Nodding slowly, he moved his laptop from where his lover indicated, pulling the covers back for Shuuichi to climb under and share with him.

Sliding in besides his lover, he laid his head down on Yuki's broad chest, as a strong arm wrapped around his waist.

Gazing nonchalantly down at the hand that started massaging his side and stomach in a comforting fashion, he noticed that Yuki's hand and forearm was completely bandaged.

Pushing that away to bring up later, the pink-haired boy melted into the writer's embrace as he slowly slipped into the world of dreams besides the man that made his life a dream.

The next morning, Shuuichi awoke to find Yuki still underneath him.

Not fully understanding this, for it had never happened before, the idol reached up to feel his lover's forehead and recoiled quickly.

He was burning up.

Looking about him, he noticed that the floor was covered in a dried brown red, and the couch was doused in crimson.

Blood dripped from the corpse, from the couch, from the walls, from the floor. It dripped everywhere it could touch.

Running to fetch a cold washcloth, Shuuichi grabbed up the cordless phone in the kitchen on his way back from the bath.

Softly, he put the washing rag on his head, as he turned to call the doctor, shouldering the phone as he hit a dial tone, so he could watch Yuki and keep wiping the rag against his neck and face before returning it to his forehead.

He wouldn't be losing his Yuki because he had been stupid once again.

Then, a voice interrupted his thought process, as a woman asked him the question on which doctor he was calling to see.

"Miss Maiko Shindo, please." Shuuichi pleaded into the receiver. Maybe his younger sister being a nurse could help him.

"Please hold sir." The nurse stated, as she pressed a red button along with a white button.

"Miss Shindo, you have a call on line one, Miss Shindo, line one." She spoke into the receiver, which broadcasted it around the hospital.

A few minutes later, a young woman with long red hair that pulled back into a ponytail appeared before the secretary. As soon as she arrived, the aid handed her the phone. She took it, smiling as she greeted the caller with a smile and a happy sounding, "Hello, This is Ms. Shindo. How may I help you?"

Her face slowly dropped as her brother began to describe what had happened to his lover. "Can I assume that you don't have a car?" Nodding she said, "Give him two aspirin smashed in water. I'll be there as soon as I can."

Agreeing, she and her brother hung up at the exact same moment.

Looking towards the aid, Maiko leaned over the counter and set the phone back on its cradle. "I'm going to have to leave early. My brother just called. His boyfriend is having symptoms of either an over dose or a really horrid head cold and requested that I come immediately."

As she walked away the secretary and the aid looked at one another and then back at her.

'Did she just say her brother's BOYFRIEND?'

Maiko grabbed the subway, as she was in a rush to examine Yuki in order to help him.

As the subway's doors opened, she saw Shuuichi's best friend, Hiro, standing before her, staring in shock.

"Hi, Mai, long time no see. Why are you in town?" he asked, as he stepped into the train.

"Shuuichi called. Something's wrong with Yuki."

Shocked, as soon as the doors opened, Hiro rushed her to his motorcycle, "We'll take this, it'll move faster."

Finally arriving at the apartment, Maiko rushed up the 5 flights of stairs to her brother's part of the building.

Coming to a stop, she reached up to knock, and as her hand descended, the door swung open to reveal a very overly worried Shuuichi, whom immediately began dragging his younger sister towards his lover in order for her to examine him, slamming the door in Hiro's face as he tried to come inside, leaving his best friend in the hallway.

Helping himself inside, he stepped into the kitchen and began making coffee for himself, knowing where everything was, from that one time that Shuuichi had gone out with their band and Nittle Grasper for Shuuichi's birthday, and had come home completely wasted.

Maiko pushed her brother into the kitchen, so she could check on Yuki.

Once within the kitchen, Shuuichi began to stalk back and forth, wearing a hole in the ground. Hiro watched in amusement, putting up little attempts to make his friend feel better, all of which failed miserably, as he sipped down a large mug of coffee.

Then his sister came in and told him to sit down, as she began to fill out some forms and paperwork on a clipboard, before explaining things to Shuuichi.

"Alright, Shuuichi. There are a lot of things that _could_ be wrong with Yuki." She said, handing him a list of all the factors of which had affected Yuki. "The only way to be sure is to bring him down to the hospital and run a few tests."

"Can't we run them here? I don't think that the cold bastard would appreciate waking up in a white room. Might be too much for him." Hiro glanced over at Shuuichi, whom had pulled his legs up against his chest as he glared down at the floor planks.

"No," he whispered softly, "no, he should go to the hospital. At least there, someone will always have an eye on him.

Once more, Maiko nodded to her brother, as she set the clipboard on the table, pulling out her cell phone and walking into the other room to make the preparations to bring Yuki in to the overnight wing.

As she set it down, however, the papers skidded across the table. Looking in Maiko's direction, Hiro began collecting the papers blindly stacking them before his eyes fell down upon the last papers headline. He glanced at it and then up to Shuuichi, who was still in his internal struggle, his eyes wide as the words sunk deep within his skull.

_Multiple abrasions to various limbs._

His eyes continued down the page catching a few other various listings before he looked back up at Shuichi.

'I almost lost _him_' Shuuichi tucked his thighs tighter to his chest, laying his chin on his knees as the idea played over and over again, echoing and eroding away the steeled ideals of happily ever after, girl gets the guy that he'd come to place as his ending. 'I almost lost him and it was all because of my goddamn career.'

'He got hurt because of me. He got hurt and he didn't even tell me for fear of what-' his eyes caught Hiro's sorrowful glance.

Then, things began to click. The rough gauze, the deathly silences, the blankets, the blood oozing from the corpse-like body to puddle and dried against the wood floor.

It all finally clicked, and it occurred to Shuuichi. Yuki Eiri was addicted to every beautiful way to die. And he intended to leave him all alone in this world.

Sarra: Like it, Don't like it?

Not done yet. I was inspired by an episode of Gravitation, and several friends to write this. Anyway, thanks for reading. Review and I shall love you forever!

So I decided that I'm going to write this story with a friend of mine that I met this year in Geometry. We had to find a way to keep ourselves sane in a class of morons, so we began goofing off and writing, and thus after this chapter, you shall see the out come.

I am proud to introduce you to, Tara.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Well, yeah I'm Tara the secondary authoress of this little story. Heh heh, I'm going to have fun with this. Anyway, I've brought a special guest with me to do our disclaimer this time! –Drum roll- RYUICHI SAKUMA!!!!!**

**Ryu: Na No Da!**

**Tara: Ryu-Chan would you please do us the honor of saying our disclaimer?**

**Ryu: No!**

**Tara: What? Why not?**

**Ryu: Kumagoro wants to do it!**

**Tara: Huh? Um… Okay…**

**Kumagoro/Ryu: -in squeaky voice- Okee dokee peoples, this doesn't belong to Sarra or ****Tara. They just borrowed the idea for their own maniacal manuscript From Maki Murakami. NA NO DA!**

**Tara: Aaaaaa… okay… Thanks Ryu-Chan!**

**Ryu: Bye!!!!! –Walks away while screaming- SPARCKELY!!!!**

**Tara: Suuuuuuure… Now onto the second chapter of I cut myself!**

Yuki Eiri's POV:

I suppose it started after three nights without Shuichi. He had left me without saying anything or leavening a note. Nothing. Left me all alone. I don't know what I did, or where I went wrong. All I know was my brat was gone and I was by myself.

On the first day of his absence I looked about the apartment knowing that the little moron would often try being cute by hiding. Unfortunately, during my search instead of finding Shuichi I found some of his things missing. The left side of the closet, which I had cleared for the young vocalist, was empty. Most of his clothes and a few of his personal possessions were gone.

I wracked my brain trying to remember what I had done. Did I fight with him? Was I too cold? Did he get fed up? No, that couldn't be it. It had been calm lately. I hadn't really lashed out on him in about a week and he had seemed so content the day before. Perhaps… there was another…

Despite the empty void I felt in my chest, I couldn't' let it bother me. I set about getting ready to work. My books don't write themselves after all. Gathering up pieces of scratch paper, I kept next to my laptop for spontaneous ideas, and throwing them in the trash bin, I settled down in front of the machine.

I had to have stared at that computer screen for a good hour until I finally gave up. I tried really hard to get in the writing mood, but it seemed impossible without my little baka bugging me like the idiot he was. Well, since I wasn't getting anything done I decided to call it a night and go to bed.  
This time I stared at the dark gapping ceiling trying desperately to sleep, but never being relived. The night seemed to drag on forever. I don't know why I care so much. It feels so unnatural, but I can't help it.

Before I met him it was simple for me to get laid. I could just walk into a bar and have my way with any woman regardless of her current relationship status. All I had to do was toss one of those mindless bimbos a smile and I'd have them eating out of the palm of my hand. Every evening there was a demonstration of my famous one-night stands. But after I took him for the first time I found that no other woman could compare to this boy. It was like something I had never experienced before. This untamable feeling inside of me that could only be satisfied by his soft touch. And yet, where was I now? Staring at the ceiling in our apartment. If only he could read my mind he'd know how much I really do care about him and how I would never let anything ever happen to him.

After about three days of sleepless nights with no word from Shuichi I lost all hope along with the majority of my sanity.

Sitting up in bed one night I looked about the empty room. It was rather depressing and made my chest ache even more than it already had been. So much that I winced. The void inside of me began to grow uncontrollably which left me feeling abandoned and deserted. What was this hole? It had never been here before Shuichi. And if it was, I wasn't bothered by it because I had never noticed it before.

As I walked into the kitchen, maniacal thoughts enveloped my mind. My eyes slowly and wearily moved to the counter tops and rested upon a foreign object out of its place. It was my fruit knife. I don't remember the last time I had used it or the last time I had cut fruit for that matter, but there it sat, as if it were mocking me. I took the knife in my hand and was about to place it in the sink when the shinning steal caught my eye. As I stared at the blade, it hypnotized me while it caught the florescent light's gleam as it flickered across my eyes. I became an entirely different person. One who was so far gone that not even I could recognize myself now.

Tears began to fall from my eyes. "Why did he leave?" I finally asked allowed. Didn't Shuichi know that I needed him? Couldn't he tell that I… loved him? No, how could he? I was always a cold emotionless bastard whenever he was around. If only he could see me secretly touch him as he slept. If only he could see me now! He'd understand what pure bliss I feel for him.

I sat down at the kitchen table, knife in hand. I felt nothing anymore. I came to the conclusion that there was no point in living anymore without **my** idiot. Not without Shu-chan. There is no way I can survive anymore exclusive of him.

With each passing moment I became more desperate wanting this engrossing pain to be taken off of my shoulders. I closed my eyes and touched the blade to my wrist dragging it across my perspiring flesh. All at once everything left me. My pain, anger, depression… love, all of it flowed away with the crimson blood. Again I swiped my wrist. I began to feel like I was walking on air. Nothing was real anymore; it all just faded away like some horrible nightmare. I focused on the pain becoming relieved by the sight and matched the wounds with another slash across my forearm. Blood flowed more rapidly now and I enjoyed it. It made me feel… pleased, like it didn't matter anymore. Then all at once, the pleasure I had been deriving from the hideous act, vanished. The room began to spin and I was extremely lightheaded and was soon overcome by great disgust.

Voices screamed in my head although there was no one around. The knife dropped to the floor and I struggled to stand. The voices continued to screech but I couldn't find the source. With my head spinning I was stumbling about the room, blood dripping from my arm. I felt a darkness come over me and everything went into slow motion, like someone had tied heavy weights to my legs, which immobilized me.

I slumped into the living room leaning on the walls to stabilize myself. The room was very blurry and I could no longer stand. I had just enough strength to reach the couch where I collapsed. I sat there just staring at the blank TV screen. Why was it so cold all of a sudden? I slowly reached for a blue blanket that rested upon the coffee table. The silence was scaring me so I turned the TV set on for a little comforting noise.

As I flipped through the channels not really looking for anything in particular, I stopped and pressed some Kleenex to my cuts. After I had covered up my shame, I resumed flipping through stations, staring blankly at nothing in particular.

All of a sudden Shuichi appeared kneeling down in front of m. he touched my hand but I didn't even notice him come in. The small boy asked for the seat next to me and I made room for him underneath the blanket.

He came back. Shuichi came back. But… why? I grew somewhat content in not knowing the reason but was just happy with the fact that he was there. And finally, for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, I slept.

I woke the next morning with blurred vision. I couldn't make out anything, only the basic outline. All of a sudden a dark silhouette cast over me and touched my forehead. I tried to call out to the figure but nothing came, it was as if my vocals had become paralyzed. I reached out to the mysterious stranger but before I could touch it, I blacked out.

I awakened to soft warm breath lightly caressing my chest. As my eyes became accustom to the light I saw I was no longer home, but now able to see. Was last night just a dream? Was I just in some woman's room again? I must have gotten drunk and that's why all I can remember is that dream. As I tried to figure out what had happened I felt a weight on my chest and I looked to the source. It was Shuichi! But what was he doing here and where on earth was I? As I stirred from my position the young boy shot up.

"Yuki?! You're okay! You're alive!!!!!" he cried clutching me around the neck.

My glance shot daggers at him, "Where have you been?!" I shouted pushing him away, "Why did you leave me? What did I do wrong?" I asked becoming quieter. "Didn't you know that I needed you?" tears came flowing down from my eyes. "Didn't you know that I… that I love you?!"

**AN: Yes yes, the story of what really happed to Eiri has been reveled! What'd you think of that? Sorry it took so long for me to update this chapter (don't kill me Sarra!), I was busy studying for my finals, as was Sarra. But now schools out so it should be somewhat easier. As long as my jobs don't get in the way XD **

**Anyway, if you read this you're obligated to review. I can tell who doesn't, I know where you live!!! Okay… maybe not… **

**Nevertheless, I hope to see you in the next chapter! I am pleased to pass it back to Sarra! Later!!!**

**Tara**


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